the [very long] story

Do you know how having blonde hair or having a grandma named Ruth feel like bits of myself that I was simply born with? For me, 'worrying' always felt like it was equally core to my being. 

I had an 'active imagination' as a child, which is a super adorable way of saying that I could spiral my thoughts and worries out of control.  Don't get me wrong, when this energy is focused on a project or a challenge, when I use this superpower for good, I'm unstoppable.  I have the ability to believe in something and get others to believe in that same vision and bring it to life; however, when allowed to imagine the negative 'what ifs' of life, I've caused myself to experience real emotions of grief and heartache over things that never came to pass. 

In full honesty, as I write this out, the enemy is screaming at me: YOU STILL HAVE ANXIETY. Though he tries to convince me of that, my God says I don’t.  My God says I have peace. 

I honestly don't know when I started my first 'happy book', but I think it was in late high school or early college.  I wasn't enjoying traditional journaling, but wanted to keep some record of my life. 

I started making these lists of all the things that made me happy... the sound of rain on the roof of the tent... the smell of fresh cut grass... the first page of a new notebook... and onward. 

What I found was that when I was regularly writing down these lists, I'd easily find more things to add.  AND my heart felt lighter when I focused on those things. 

Fast forward a decade and a half. I'm now a wife and a mama to two little loves.  My role at work continues to gain more responsibility.  I'm not getting enough sleep - or enough exercise - or spending time in the word.  Turns out, I'm also deficient in a whole variety of vitamins.  I'm most certainly not writing down lists in a happy book - who has time for that between all the other things!

So there I was... crashing.  I started having panic attacks, which I hadn't had in years.  I ended up in the ER one day thinking I was having a heart attack.  I couldn't focus. I couldn't breathe. 

It was lost in this wilderness that I found it…

I’ve gone to church my whole life – but started attending Resurrection Life Church when I met my now husband. 

Pastor talked about spending time in the word.  REALLY actually getting in the word.  ‘God speaks in chapter and verse’.  Every time he said it I felt like he was talking directly to me.  When I would pray, I felt like God was impressing on my heart that I needed to read His Word more.  For everything I ever presented Him with… Read.  It was always his answer. 

Read.

So I did.  I became obsessed.  I carried my Bible everywhere.  I read every day and clung to it like a security blanket.  I felt better. 

And then I found it…

Philippians 4:8

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable – if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy – dwell on these things.    

4:9 goes on to say:

Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

There it was.  The reason writing down lists of lovely things gave me peace.  I was accidentally dwelling on all that was good.  I was experiencing God’s peace.

So here’s the dwell journal.  It’s a way to purposefully dwell.  In whatever is True. Honorable. Just. Pure. Lovely. Commendable. Praiseworthy.

It doesn’t have to be grand.  You can dwell on the fact that it is sunny today or that your coffee tasted good.  Dwell in a good song on the radio instead of the traffic that has you stuck in the car.

My lists of lovely are not the only tool I use to keep the anxiety at bay.  I read my bible. I am purposeful about not watching lots of news.  I take vitamins.  I try to get enough sleep.  I limit my caffeine. I go on adventures in nature with my loves. I drink water.  I read books about peace and hygge.

Remember that you aren’t alone.  Isaiah 43: 1-2 and Psalms 139:5 are two of my favorite.  He encircles you.  He is with you through the fire and the flood. 

I don't know who needs the journals or who needs to hear my story. I just know that when I pray I feel like I'm supposed to share this tool and my story with others.  So I am.

Here's to a day full of little moments that give you joy... and peace.